I know, it’ll never happen this way…

Roman Reigns heads to the ring, a man resigned his inevitable brutal, gladitorial end. He knows there’s no way he can win from #1. He just wants to go out in a blaze of glory, fighting to the end, determined to do as much damage as possible so that people remember what he did in this Rumble, not the winner. He’s going to lose his title. He knows it. The McMahons have done everything they can to be sure of that. And why? If they hate him that much, they could just fire him, right? No, they want to see him suffer. So his revenge will be not flinching as his doom approaches. Bring it on.

The first few entrants are mid-card hopefuls, unlikely to last more than a few eliminations. Then here comes Alberto Del Rio – the first serious test for Reigns. They go at it, swatting out a few others as they join, until Big Show rocks up around #7 and stakes his claim as the immovable object. The action revolves around getting him out and with the help of a tag team that like the Usos that happen to have shown up at the right time, he’s gone. Reigns gets rid of Del Rio and and he’s still going strong. Y2J bowls in and straight after we get Dean Malenko for some random Attitude-era flashbacks. They mess around for a bit but are both eliminated by Braun Strowman who enters #13. Straight after him it’s Kane and they keep each other busy for a bit as the ring fills up with six or seven from the roster, including Kevin Owens – the dark horse for the title? – and Stardust who just hangs around on the turnbuckles as if he’s playing WWE Smackdown 2 on the PlayStation. Kofi Kingston avoids elimination by landing on the trombone. Strowman takes out five of the superstars in the ring. Owens is eliminated by Neville and is called out even though his feet didn’t both touch the ground. He throws a tantrum outside the ring. Neville goes to the top rope and Strowman just throws him over the top. Then we’re down to the last 7, with just Strowman and Reigns in the ring. Dolph Ziggler is 24, and wears Reigns down with his usual enthusiasm. Brock Lesnar is 25 and straight away takes out Ziggler. 26 is Eric Rowan, 27 is Luke Harper, so it’s 3 of the Wyatts against Reigns and Lesnar. 28 is Spike Dudley, who lines up on the side of Reigns and Lesnar to try and “even things” up but Lesnar thinks it’s a joke and throws him out. Everything gets hectic in the ring, Lesnar hits an F5 and lights go out – when they come up the Undertaker is standing behind Lesnar and eliminates him as revenge for their rivalry. So Reigns is still there, hanging in, and number 29 is of course John Cena. But John’s not the superman he used to be and 3 on 2 is just too much for them. Reigns can hardly walk. Cena battles well but ultimately all three of the Wyatts take him out together. And number 30 is… Bray Wyatt. He walks in to see the shell of Reigns, who has lasted all the way from #1 only to be offered up on a plate to Bray. Bray finishes it, and throws Reigns out. The other Wyatts start looking at each other like they’re going to fight it out, and surround Bray… only for him to give them their instructions and one by one they walk to the edge of the ring and eliminate themselves. Bray Wyatt stands in the ring, by himself, the winner.