Here it is, the showpiece event of the year. It’s not my favourite – partly because it feels a bit predictable, even when it isn’t (big feuds usually have obvious winners) – and partly because I just love the Royal Rumble. But it’s a big deal, there’s no denying that, and you can generally expect some decent set-pieces.
It’s pretty amazing seeing 80k people in a place like the Citrus Bowl, packing it down to the ring. The outdoor events always lose a little something when you’re watching on TV (or rather, the WWE network on your laptop’s crummy speakers) through sound dissipation I guess, but they are pretty epic.
Straight off the bat I’m upset by the announce team of Cole, Saxton and Byron. Nothing more needs to be said about Michael Cole. Saxon is literally a man without a personality or a purpose. All he does is grin. He should sit one row back with the fans and grin at the camera from there. I actually quite like Byron Saxton but in this trio he doesn’t have much space to be a personality.
Anyway, on to the show. The New Day are the hosts this year, which is an inspired move. They’ve had a stellar evolution and WWE have realised that they don’t even need to wrestle for people to find them entertaining. The Final Fantasy connection means basically my two favourite things have combined in an inexplicably improbable quantum collision. I went nuts when Xavier Woods played the Final Fantasy victory music on Francesca about a year ago out of nowhere. Michael Cole talking bout “chocobo” from his tick list was cringeworthy though and the lads obviously didn’t know what to do with it. The New Day schtick will get old eventually but for now it’s all good.
AJ Styles vs Shane McMahon
AJ is pretty much the star performer of the last 12 months for me. Everything he does is brilliant, no matter what he’s asked to do. Each match, from fighting Cena to the Luke Harper match on Smackdown, has been compelling. And Shane O’Mac – for his age, and to have been away for so long, he’s pretty amazing. Still got the flair, still got the moves, still willing to put it all on the line. It was a great match with all the right moments: a one-armed Styles Clash which created a moment of uncertainty; a nobody-home elbow drop to the announce table from Shane; traded coast-to-coast dropkicks; a shooting star press! And an AJ win, which was inevitable. Great match, least, good story, great way to get things started.
Chris Jericho vs Kevin Owens
Now I was excited about this – two great performers, amongst the best in the business on the mic, and inventive in their in-match storytelling too – and a strong lead-up all the way across the year from their best-friendship to their break-up. I think Y2J is a decent shout for wrestler of the year given how he still shows up for energetic, technical and emotional matches and how entertaining he’s been with the List of Jericho, the best friend gag and the stupid idiot catchphrase. He just holds court. And there aren’t many people who can do that in the current roster – I think that’s the only problem in this New Age which is a real golden one in many ways. Anyway, I have to say given how intense and long-running the story arc was, I found this match a bit underwhelming. This should have been a whole list-burning, car-smashing, backstage-spilling, parking-lot-brawling, betrayal-revenging epic, but it was just a “normal” match. It wasn’t bad, it’s just I was expecting a bit more from it. I really liked the one-finger-on-the-rope idea, and the Pop-Up Powerbomb into Codebreaker counter. I also have to say I don’t like the turnabout “you were never my best friend” thing – it was such a funny bit, and so different from anything that had been done before, that I would have much preferred it if the angle had been “best friends who fell out” rather than the usual “I was using you all along” thing. Even the commentators acknowledged that they couldn’t say “former best friends” and when the commentators can’t tell a good story, you’re in trouble.
Bailey vs Sasha Banks vs Nia Jax vs Charlotte Flair
Moving on, we had an elimination match between Bailey, Sasha Banks, Charlotte Flair and Nia Jax. The entrance of three of the four was great – I’ll come back to that – cementing the new prominence of the women’s division with swag and confidence. The fireworks behind Charlotte especially were a pretty stunning moment. The match itself was pretty quick. And I’ve got to say, a bit nothingy. Now I’m a big, big fan of the women’s revolution in WWE, so I won’t frame it in those terms, but this match showed a few cracks which I think need to be addressed in these performers specifically. First off, Nia Jax looked straight up terrified on her way to the ring. Nervous. Exhaling through pursed lips, like “this is the big one, Nia.” Look, if you’re meant to be this monster bruiser, you need to be literally the embodiment of IDGAF and blazing with contempt for your competitors. In the match itself, and in other matches, she shifts nervously and almost fidgets – you can sense that she’s tense and worried about what she’s doing. Either that or she just doesn’t know how to act. She needs to look at how Brock or the Undertaker or even Mark Henry, if she wants to be that kind of monster, hold themselves. Confident, rooted, strong, bold. She doesn’t look like she’s meant to be there. Which is a shame, as physically she’s got it. As a side note, I think one easy way to split good performers from bad ones is how much they shout and scream. If you’re a monster, it just looks boring if you don’t look like you’re making an effort. I hate Big Show’s knockout punch, for example – it just looks like a normal punch. If anything it looks like a weak punch. If he just screamed from the bottom of his lungs as he did it, it would give it a whole lot more impact. I’m digressing but Nia Jax needs to scream more and not just push people over or stand there politely waiting for them to attack her. Anyway story-wise her bit was great and the triple pin was good fun. My second moan is for Sasha Banks. Now I love Sasha Banks, so this criticism is in context of really enjoying her greatest hits like her NXT iron man. I feel a bit like there’s nothing really exciting about watching her wrestle at the moment. She’s got a very slight frame, which means to be convincing you have to have something else special about you: great moves, sneaky tactics, a fast and furious style. I don’t really see any of that at the moment, especially with her as a face. She just gets dominated, which seems unsurprising given her physique, and then does a couple of ordinary looking moves or rolls into the Bank Statement as a reversal to change up the match. I’d love to see her go a bit more high-risk and crazy. or more technical, breaking out more submissions, but maybe that’s the curse of the main roster. She looks like a non-conformist, like a risk-taker, so show us what you’ve got. Don’t rest on your laurels. The last thing is, I just don’t really like Bailey. Again, in the face of Charlotte Flair, who is head and shoulders above these other three, in terms of talking, storytelling, technique, physique, moveset and also literally height-wise, she just seems like a wrestler with nothing in her arsenal. I can’t stand the belly-to-belly being used as a finisher (oh, let me just put you down here. Bump.) and she just looks worried the whole time. If she’s going to play the underdog, she needs more grit in her game to make it compelling watching. Like Shawn Michaels or Dolph Ziggler in his prime. Charlotte should be champ. She’s a elegant, graceful, strong woman, and should eat Bailey and co for lunch. By the way, she also carried the match story-wise completely, with a much more entertaining and watchable character than anyone else.
WWE Hall of Fame Induction
I don’t have much to say about the folks inducted into the Hall of Fame apart from the one and only Kurt Angle. This guy is a legend: a top performer and almost unbeatable on the mic. I was a major fan during his prime. He was such a believable heel. Completely, brilliantly hateable, but with a vulnerability which made him endearing too. I remember thinking in my more earnest days that he was the best of the best, and that the Olympic (Angle) Slam was the #1 most powerful move IN THE BUSINESS. You did not kick out of the Olympic Slam. In his speech, he hit the nail on the head when he said you should try making fun of yourself; I’d be fascinated to know how they came up with his charcater and decided this Olympic hero should be a heel. (Maybe it was in response to the”boring” chants – after all, this was the era of headshots and crazy over the top violence.) And in this crazy heels-are-faces era, we’re treated to well-meaning “You Suck” chants from the crowd which Angle drinks in. Good for him. Legend.
Enzo & Big Cass vs Cesero & Sheamus vs Anderson & Gallows vs The Hardy Boyz for the Raw Tag Team titles
I absolutely love Enzo and Big Cass. Enzo is unlike anyone else and always steals the show, cutting through the seriousness of a lot of the modern era. He sells the scrappy underdog brilliantly. Big Cass is a good partner for him and their chemistry and ring work is fab – my only complaint is that Big Cass, when he’s not shouting, isn’t great on the mic. It’s like he’s reading from cue cards. It’s wierd because when he’s fired up and giving it all 12 cylinders, he’s much more convincing. Cesaro and Sheamus, next to the ring, are an inspired partnership and have evolved well too. I miss them getting annoyed when they would interrupt each other’s entrances but the new in-sync version is working too: they’ve got tons of great moves and athleticism between them. I’ve warmed to Sheamus too – I think his personality has become a lot more genuine over the years. I think he’s always better when he has a storyline, a thing, and angle, rather than just being Sheamus. His last championship stint, for example, seemed a bit pointless to me, like a character that was just mean for his own sake. He needs to have fun, have a drive, something to get frustrated by and angry about. He’s a comedy character at heart I think. Next up, Anderson and Gallows have grown on me too, mainly because of their promo work. I much prefer them without AJ Styles, as now they seem more their own characters than just henchmen. I like that they’re tough with just a touch of goofyness. But what’s this? The New Day’s music hits – are they joining the match? The Hardy Boyz music hits and the place goes wild! This is one of those returns that everyone’s been waiting for. It also means we pretty much know who’s going to win the match. The match itself has some greats spots – Sheamus and Cesaro with a fantastic sequence that involves Cesaro standing on the shoulders of Gallows – a real circus moment – a mega swing, a from-the-ladder Twist of Fate and an insane Swanton Bomb from the top of a huge ladder. Everything you could ask for in a match like this and two veterans putting their bodies on the line. And of course they pick up the titles. It’ll be great to see them play out their broken craziness on WWE, if that’s what’s going to happen – they’ve been groundbreaking and endlessly entertaining on TNA.
The Miz & Maryse vs John Cena & Nikki Bella
As I said on Twitter, if you’d told me a year ago that I would have watched a 20 minute Miz TV promo with John Cena that aired recently I would have laughed. But I did watch it, and it was great. Their rivalry was built well, with that close-to-the-bone joshing that’s a key part of the reality era, and I genuinely enjoyed watching them row. And as I watched the Miz and Maryse walk down the ramp, gesturing at the crowd, really living this narcissistic character, I realised suddenly that I like the Miz. Ive never cared before. But he seems to be thriving in this latest evolution: not just bitter and precious, but confident and smarmy, swagging through the place with his feeling of superiority. Not “you should respect me” but “I’m awesome and I own this place”. In fact, both The Miz and Cena seemed to just be enjoying themselves, revelling in the love-hate relationship that they have with the fans. They were smiling. And it was fun to watch. The match itself was kind of weak, with Miz dominating (Miz is awesome chants??!) and then getting caught in the big turnaround. I suppose it was really just setting up the big moment though, the proposal, which was actually very sweet and hardly booed at all. Cena used Nikki’s full real name in this (presumably) kayfabe proposal moment, which shows how far the bizarre and unqiue reality/kayfabe blur has gone.
HHH vs Seth Rollins.
Triple H still has it. No two ways about it. He could easily still be a convincing part of the main roster and in a way I wish he was – I always hated the Authority storyline and much prefer Trip with some emotional vulnerability like in his heyday. I think he could be part of a really interesting storyline where he’s scrapping for survival and needs to lead from the front. His match with Rollins was full of high impact big moves, and I’ve always particularly respected HHH for being able to sell and put peolle over even if they don’t win; he makes both competitors look good. Seth Rollins is wierd to me – great wrestler, no question, but I preferred him as a heel. He’s just another full-of-heart underdog otherwise. In the Attitude Era you didn’t have characters like that really: everyone was an SOB and you had ones that fought for the people and others that fought for themselves. You didn’t have people who were like “I’ve just tried so hard and now I won’t let a meanie like you stop me.” (Bailey, Sami Zayn.) Anyway the match played out as expected. Good solid stuff from these reliable guys, and a bit where Triple H looks at a sledgehammer for a bit. By the way, compare HHH, now in his late forties, to the other guys who come back, like the New Age Outlaws, or even Kane. Who’s in better shape? Who looks more credible? The Undertaker’s only 5 years older than him and looks like a dinosaur now. Sorry Taker.
Mr Worldwide.
Hmm.
Bray Wyatt vs Randy Orton
I’ve been waiting for Bray Wyatt to be champion for years. Having said that, I preferred him as part of a stable: the problem with a master of fear and mind-games is that you always have an antagonist who is going to be pushing against the credibility of that. In other words, as soon as a face doesn’t show fear, the illusion is cracked and it seems like a gimmick. However, if a character like Bray has an army of minions, people who are permanently under the spell, it maintains the aura of power even when the competitor is strong/brave against the fear. I also preferred Wyatt as the creepy cultist, rather than whatever he has evolved into. The hawaiian-shirt and rocking chair were cornerstones of his weirdness, creating unease by putting a twist on familiar symbols, and also making him kind of believable. He looks like a cartoon version of himself now. I don’t dislike him, I just think WWE have made him shed a lot of the interesting and unique signifiers that made him such a compelling character originally.
Big fan of Orton. Big fan. A lot of what I like about superstars is about their acting in-ring, and Orton knows how to put on a show. He has presence. And he looks emotionally invested. He has what I call a “recessive” gimmick – he has a personality you can describe, he’s got an MO, he’s got a style, but it’s not in your face all the time – and only the best wrestlers can really achieve this without seeming bland. In a way, we should all be bored of Orton, but I’m always happy to watch him. Especially as a bad-face. What do I mean by that? One of the cornerstones of the Attitude era, as I’ve mentioned before, was that everyone was a bad guy when you really thought about it. So here’s a bad guy – an arsonist! – a mean, tough, unforgiving viper, who is effectively the good guy in this situation. In his last big championship run, he played the “cowardly heel” like Seth Rollins, which is fine, but this to me is much more nuanced and interesting. Is he good? Is he bad? Should we want him to win? Can he control himself? And so on.
The entrances seemed strangely muted, especially Bray’s. Maybe again that was down to the arena, but one issue with Bray’s entrance, which I love, is that the music is gentle and the lights-up cut is sudden and silent. The crowd don’t quite seem to know how to react: it’s designed to make you uneasy and wierded out. There was no big cheer when the lights went up nor when Bray held the title up. Maybe it was just the TV audio, but it seemed to me that it didn’t build up like other superstars’ entrances into that moment where the crowd goes wild. Orton’s projection, meanwhile, seemed to stutter – there’s nothing worse that when something like this doesn’t have the full impact. But fair play to the idea.
The match felt rushed to me. They got to the big moves really quickly (which seems to be a trend more and more in PPV matches) and we got another “domination”-type match, which frankly I’m getting bored of. The set-pieces of the match were projections of maggots and other creepy-crawlies onto the ring, which was an innovative idea, even if it wasn’t very scary. It might have been better to save these for moments where Orton was dominating to throw him off his stride, rather than to add to Bray’s dominance. And then, after a quick match, Orton kicked out of Sister Abigail and hit an RKO OUTA NOWHERE (which even the commentators called as how it always happens nowadays) to pick up the title. Apart from the fact that it was disappointing to see Orton take the title from Wyatt and end what might have been an interesting run before it really got started, and the fact that we’ve seen Orton as champion plenty, why on earth have him kick out of Bray’s finisher (not the first of the match either) and then pin him clean? I generally don’t mind about characters being “diminished” like this but it just seemed a really cold way to shut down the potential of Wyatt as a title-holding major player for now. Wyatt deserved better and crazier than this.
Brock Lesnar vs Goldberg
What was the point of this match? What was the point of this rivalry? This was a complete non-wrestling sideshow where each character has two moves that they do over and over again until someone wins.
Brock has hardly done anything apart from German suplexes since 2013. I used to be a major Brock fan but there’s nothing to look forward to any more. You get this huge buildup of Heyman-led poetry that ends in a match you can count in seconds (or suplexes) and tells no story about either man. What did we learn? That Goldberg fluked it over Lesnar? That he is old after all? That it’s a toss-up as to who wins a match like this? That Lesnar’s better now? That Brock’s tough? (I think we knew that.)
Ugh. I suppose there is something interesting in the Brock Lesnar sideshow, watching him demolish everyone and then get taken apart in seconds by the monster, who he then defeats in the end. But it’s a much better line in a Wikipedia article that a series of matches to watch. Brock’s destruction of Cena and the Undertaker were necessary to signal a New Era I think – but where now?
One other thought, which is maybe a little harsh. Has Paul Heyman ever looked so bad? He seems enormous – he looks like Paul Bearer now. Seriously, though, he waddles to the ring and has far less physical presence than he used to. He’s not a wrestler, and of course his body shape is no-one’s business, but visually he is looking like a different character. He still talks like no-one else, but I think he’s in danger of becoming a caricature of a caricature. I find it hard to take him seriously.
Alexa Bliss vs Becky Lynch vs Carmella vs Natalya vs vs Mickie James vs Naomi
OK, this division is for sure weaker than the Raw Women’s division, but I have been enjoying watching Alexa Bliss for her character and in-ring attitude. It’s all in the face. I also really like Natalya and I’ve been trying to get on with Becky Lynch – great wrestler, but she just can’t talk.
This was not a great match. There were few good moves, too many people in too short a space of time, and a quick end. Becky looked great with her dreads and warpaint, and did the most in terms of wrestling moves, and Alexa did some good chat and a nice mid-air elbow. Natalya tried a double sharpshooter which is a move I like but it went wrong.
Naomi picked up the win. There were really two things that I thought after this match: one was that WWE were trying to do too much with this Wrestlemania, which is why there were so many rushed matches and so many people on the card; and secondly that CFO$ need to get some serious credit for helping to create some exciting characters. Naomi for example has been made relevant with a great entrance. The music does a huge part of the work, and these guys know what they’re doing. Remember when every entrance was a variation on screamy metal?
Roman Reigns vs The Undertaker
Right. Big boos for Roman but that’s the point of him isn’t it? He’s just a heel in the new sense – someone people hate for being too mainstream, and not alternative enough. He puts in good matches – there’s no question of that – and I assume that he’s on a mega slow burn heel turn. Either that or we just need to rethink what it is to be a heel and a face nowadays. Plenty of people like Roman. But in this meta-kayfabe world, people still don’t like authority, and if you’re shown someone as the face of the company, rather than the hero of the people, you hate them. And think about it, what better way to create a heel than to have him beat up a living legend? I liked Roman’s entrance. In fact, the staging or the entrance ramp, despite being crazy long, gave a lot of opportunities for spectacular entrances, and we got them tonight.
Is it just me or has the WWE always had a disproportionate number of goatees? Who has a goatee anymore? At least the Undertaker has long hair again. He always seems very concerned about taking proper care of his hat and coat. Which to me isn’t very scary.
When he got into the ring, my first thought was that Taker looks deeply unwell and needs to retire. His face is getting bigger as hairline receeds which makes him look weary and old; he started the match with a red stripe on his forehead from his hat, which made him looks like his fallen asleep on the arm of his easy chair and it’s left a mark. He is huge though and at least he’s having a proper match unlike some of the other veterans we see. He doesn’t look great put he can still put a shift in, just about. He couldn’t do the Last Ride properly and looked exhausted about five seconds in.
But, once again, I think this was all the point of the match. Taker looking brave and tired, like a familiar old dog, and Roman basically putting him down. With a whole bunch of spears and superman punches. The final spear, where he zipped back and forth, with the Undertaker spinning around in confusion and helplessness, was genius. The crowd hated it, of course, and Roman looked great doing it. In fact, their outfits mirrored each other, with Roman looking like the fitter, faster, younger, more energetic version of the Deadman. Our memories, our dreams of the Phenom were shattered, and Roman was the one holding the hammer. What a great way to make people hate him. It’s the new way of being a heel – not cheating, but doing things that the people don’t like.
I was trying to think, who is Roman Reigns the new version of? The Rock before people started to like him? Maybe Triple H post-DX? Or maybe he’s just something new. Maybe we need to stop comparing the New Era to the old ones and just get to understand the new stories that are being told for what they are.
All in all, I thought there was a lot to enjoy about Wrestlemania 33, but for sure they tried to do too much. The roster looks healthy – think of the guys who weren’t involved or were only in the the (not great) Battle Royal. Nakamura, Ambrose, Balor, Strowman, American Alpha… should be an interesting year.
Pete Gomori 